Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Battle For MacDonald's

There was an epic battle in the hallway outside the Hotel today.

It all started with a samosa. I normally wouldn't eat one myself, but May's samosa was looking soo good and I was just soo hungry. There were a few doubts about Karloff's cooking (or rather heating) technique...but I thought, no, I KNEW that if he made me a samosa tonight it would be heated through and through and I would LOVE it! I was so sure. So arrogant in my certainty.

The samosa was gross. Though to his credit, Karloff did a great job heating it up.

*props to daddy*

I was so hungry, though, that I figured if I could just swallow the wretched thing I would be fine.
The first bite was followed by a not-so-discreet grimace, which quickly had Karloff & May at my side asking what the problem was. I explained to them that, rather than eat something I would enjoy, I would just finish eating the (disgusting) samosa.

My gag reflex kicked in halfway through the ordeal and I called to May for ketchup - stat! She delivered a saucy counterstroke to the obscene pastry and I rapidly dispatched the subsisting components. I quickly turned to Dr. Pepper for comfort, though he was able to give me little in this time of need.

Throughout the later part of my suffering, Karloff was insisting that he get me something else to eat that I would enjoy more. Now, arguing with him seemed silly since I could just take three more (stomach turning) bites and be done with it, so naturally I let him wander off towards the kitchen in search of food.

Here's where I figured I had the upper hand. Where it all went wrong. My hubris...

I knew we really didn't have much in the way of food in the kitchen! I figured he'd look about for a while then give up and some back to our waiting arms in the smoking room. I should have known he wouldn't give up when he thought I needed something. Deep down, though...deep down...I knew. At least, I knew it was a possibility...the MacDonald's being soo close. But I knew we had no money for frivolous BigMac's...I knew he knew that.

May & I were still chatting when I heard the wind rush into the room from the window. I knew the only thing strong enough to cause that kind of draft was the front door opening. Immediately I questioned May(maybe she was in on it) but she merely suggested that he may be taking out the garbage. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing at once that I could trust her and that she could not be involved in this conspiracy. If May were to up to something and trying to distract me she would do a hell of a lot better than 'taking out the garbage'.

Though there was no way of knowing, I had made another fatal error in trusting May...

As soon as I made my way out into the living room and saw Karloff's shoes were missing I knew what was going on. I raced out the front door to find a very surprised and guilty looking Karloff, trying to sneak off to MacDonald's to get me a very unnecessary Big Mac. At this point I had already eaten that god awful samosa and I was no longer really hungry - making the expenditure of our limited funds unnecessary.

Of course I really couldn't argue this with Karloff before he took off in the instead I grabbed him and dragged him back to the door. He then walked back to the elevator and got in. I told him I would go with him (fully knowing he would never let me go the way I was dressed and without shoes). He then proceeded to push ME back to the door. This is when I realized he was serious and I may have a fight on my hands.

Things rapidly escalated and I jerked open the door and called May for back up. She ran out from the room and I yelled for her to grab him so he couldn't get away. That's when it came...the vile act of treachery from May! She grabbed ME! Not Karloff! ME!!! She let him run to the elevator as I fought against her to grab him. With my every limb flailing around seeking some kind of meager purchase on him, she carried me back to the door kicking and not quite screaming but speaking very loudly.

Et tu Brute

When Karloff finally got back he had a BigMac and an apple pie. I didn't want to eat and I was more than a little disappointed that the food was going to waste (despite the fact that it's MacDonald's and I don't really know if that actually qualifies as food, really). Karloff spoke of his random encounter with a drug dealer outside the MacDonald's (or was he just on break?), then I took the sandwich to the kitchen to put in the fridge for tomorrow. I've set the alarm for 5:30am and a breakfast BigMac will not be an unwelcome thing to me. I know, however, that the lettuce always makes the bread soggy the next day, so I decide to trim down the lettuce content of the sandwich. Not eliminate the lettuce entirely, just the big pieces, y'know?

So I open the sandwich and what do I find? What do I find in this sandwich Karloff fought so hard to get me and I fought so hard against? The sandwich that May betrayed me for?

Rocks. Motherfucking rocks.

Thanks McDick's.

PS: The pie was delicious!